


고뇌

by seshgremlin



Category: apex legends - Fandom
Genre: But it’s in there, Like, Other, Vomiting, but also angsty, its about the graft on his jaw, it’s all lowercase I’m lazy, it’s kinda gorey, not in great detail, really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27285592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seshgremlin/pseuds/seshgremlin
Summary: A face can tell a thousand things about an individual. About their hardships, their lives. Yet, what’s going to be told when your face isn’t even your own.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	고뇌

**Author's Note:**

> i haven’t read this through, spell checked, grammar checked or anything but I have so much crypto brain rot that I have to put it somewhere.

deafening cracks of thunder were the only sounds keeping tae joon park sane in his current situation. the steady dripping of water from the rusty faucet in front of him and the rhythmic echo as they splashed against the ceramic bowl fell on deaf ears. hazel eyes, which once would’ve been filled with fascination at the concept of having such advanced technology for himself, were wide with fear at the knowledge of what he would have to do, sunken deep into his skull after countless nights of no sleep. tanned hands gripped the edge of the sink so hard his knuckles had become a ghostly white. his chapped bottom lip was being worried between his teeth, as he desperately tried to take in his appearance for what would be the last time in a long while - perhaps even forever. 

besides him, on the bathroom floor of the insalubrious hotel, lay a large biohazard storage case. a sheet of cellophane was draped over the lid of the toilet to avoid the necessary tools placed atop them from being contaminated by the undoubtedly filthy bathroom. incertitude was clear in the way his index finger began to tap rapidly on ceramic, desperately trying to conjure up an option which was far more viable than this one. yet there was none, and it was that knowledge that made him try to think that much harder about the perilous situation. if he didn’t do this, he was going to die. the syndicate had images of him on every database imaginable, and removing those images would only further incriminate him - make him seem guilty of the crime he didn’t commit. so he could only change himself physically. not only that, but it was the only way the syndicate would lose track of him. they’d be looking for him, not crypto. it would be the only way he’d be able to join the games. it was risky. it was incredibly dangerous. it was stupid. he could already hear mila’s voice in his head, telling him that it’s not worth it. that he shouldn’t let her ‘ death ‘ consume his every waking moment. his happiness. his future. since they were kids, she was the only constant bit of happiness he had. the only constant he ever had. the syndicate had ripped that away from him without so much as a second though. remorseless. merciless. and crypto was determined to make them pay - no matter the cost. there was no telling how many other families they had torn apart for their own benefit, and he was sure there was to be more. 

with one last wavering breath, he reached down to grasp a scalpel between his quivering fingers from its place on the cellophane. the korean’s heart was hammering in his chest, and one last look at his fuzzy reflection let him know that tears were already welling in his eyes - a few rapid blinks did little to rid them, instead making them trail down his flushed cheeks. the back of his occupied hand pressed against his mouth, a choked sob he tried desperately to contain tearing itself from his throat as his eyes squeezed shut. involuntarily, his mouth opened so his teeth could grip the skin of his hand, biting the flesh in an attempt to ground himself. despite his hopeless attempt, tears still leaked from his eyes. after weeks of steeling himself from his emotions, of running from any sign of the syndicate, they were crashing down on him. suffocating him. wrapping their sharp, blackened claws around his throat and squeezing. choking him until he could barely breathe. bare shoulders shook uncontrollably through his terrified wailing, continuing for what felt like centuries to him. even as he tried to take deep breaths, his emotions were attacking him so violently that he found himself dropping the scalpel back where he retrieved it from, only to curl up into a ball on the germ ridden floor of the bathroom, back against the door and head tucked into his knees, arms wrapped around his legs as he struggled to ground himself. his fear was justified, he knew that, but he couldn’t find it in himself to actually accept that. to accept that the cards he had been dealt were not in his favour. that what was happening to him was completely unjust and inhumane and unfair.

he didn’t know how long he lay on that floor for, but after a while he sluggishly dragged himself onto his feet, eyes and cheeks uncomfortably taut from the dried tears. hands which were far more steady than before washed off his visage, reaching blindly for a towel to pat his face dry before resting it around his bare shoulders. one last, deep inhale echoed through the the bathroom before he swiped the scalpel back into his hands and, with little time to prepare himself except a thought of ‘ just do it ‘, sliced a clean strip from the top of his ear, straight down to his chin. the pain was excruciating, his features morphing into a state of pure agony, which only pulled at the bleeding skin and made the pain worse. instead of stopping, the hacker hurried on, unwilling to drag the pain out more than necessary. the feeling of blood dripping down his neck, across his chest and stomach before soaking into the grey material of his sweatpants sent shivers down his spine as he carved around his ear and back to his jaw. the scalpel, slippery with his blood, made clean incisions in the flesh of his face, and he half heartedly applauded himself for hacking into a local hospitals weekly delivery to take some supplies off their hands without them knowing instead of buying a kitchen knife from a grocery store. which would undoubtedly make the whole situation far more dangerous. 

after getting below his ear, tae joon pulled his quivering hand away from his jaw, teeth grinding together to the point where he was afraid they might shatter under the pressure as he tried to regain his composure. there was no going back now. no matter how much he wanted to. twisting his torso slightly, he once again raised the scalpel, breathlessly counting to three before cutting through the other side of his face as quickly and as precisely as his trembling limbs would allow him too. slowly, the adrenaline tearing through his veins began to make the torture that little bit more bearable. the blood pouring down his skin was almost unnoticeable at this point, the majority of his nerve endings becoming numb throughout the procedure. he knew what he had to do, and as he connected the cuts somewhere around the centre of his thyroid cartilage, the fear slowly began to set in again, the racing of his heart beginning to hit him full force at the realisation of what he had to do next. the hacker’s teeth stayed clenched together, despite the pain the movement brought him. unrelenting bouts of emotion hit him once he finally raised his head to meet his own eyes in the grim mirror - an emotion akin to a burning, unquenchable rage at the mutilated lower half of his face. this was not his fault. the syndicate was forcing his hand. forcing him to do this. to be able to survive. this wasn’t his choice, he didn’t want to do this. yet, as his fingers rose to grip the skin below his ear, and the scalpel poised to carve below it, he knew he had to. for mila. for anybody else who’s lives the syndicate has ruined. they were all going to pay.

for the first time throughout his administrations, a scream tore through tae joon’s clenched teeth once he dug the scalpel beneath his skin, dragging it downwards as carefully as he could through his sheer agony, peeling the layer of skin and flesh from his face. the previous confidence he had built up before, to just get it over with, crumbled to dust. with a gruesome chunk of flesh hanging from his cheek, he threw the scalpel onto the floor as if it had burnt him, the hand that hadn’t been holding the offending object wrapped around his wrist as he stared incredulously at his hand, which was now level with his eyes. as if he couldn’t believe what he had just done. the tears streaming out from his eyes only made the exposed flesh burn more, yet the male couldn’t find it in him to move. even with his blood dripping onto the tiled floor, or the sight of his own flesh hanging off his face. taejoon knew he had to do it, yet the only thing racing through his mind was ‘ why the fuck did I just do that? ‘ as carefully as he could, blood coated hands removed the cellophane from the toilet, hazardously tossing it onto the floor before he wrenched the lid open, uncaring when it crashed violently against the tank as he fell unceremoniously onto his knees with a dull thud. a stream of bile forced its way through his throat, and the movement of him hacking, hunched over the toilet only made his wounds burn more. stomach acid burned his throat as he coughed into the toilet, having not eaten since breakfast that day, and soon after he stumbled to his feet to flick on the faucet, using his hand to lift handfuls of water to his lips, attempting to rid his mouth of the acidic taste. 

for a second, he started aimlessly into the drain of the sink, breaths evening out as he finally managed to calm himself. with one hand on the sink to steady himself, he crouched down to grip a bigger scalpel from the cellophane which he had dropped onto the floor. for a brief moment, taejoon just stayed there, crouched, as he surveyed the bathroom. there was still blood dripping from his wounds onto the floor, and he found himself dreading the cleanup job. slowly, and as steadily as possible, he rose to his feet once more to glance into the mirror. perspiration was shining on his forehead in the dull yellow light, dripping down his temples to mingle in with the remnants of his still drying tears. with what little courage he could muster, the scalpel was once again raised to the lower half of his face, carving through both cheeks, down to his neck until the chunk of flesh fell with a wet slap into the sink, and taejoon let out a relieved sob as his shaking hand threw the scalpel into the trash. wasting no time, he bunched over so his bloody hands could grab the biohazard case, heaving it up to rest it atop the toilet lid.

with trembling fingers, both out of pain and anticipation, he clicked the case open. his jaw fell slack at the graft that lay face down in the case. along the inside of the graft was what looked like thousands upon thousands of tiny ants crawling along its surface, moving in tandem with one another. despite having not seen the technology before, taejoon could only assume that they were the nanites waiting to bond with the skin of his face. unwilling to bloody the pristine object, he flicked the faucet on once more to clean his hands of as much blood as possible, eyes glued to the advanced tech as he swiping to towel from his shoulders to dry them before discarding it onto the floor. as carefully as he could, his fingers dipped beneath the graft, lifting it from its place in the storage case. there was an immediate reaction that almost made crypto drop it. the nanites began shifting quicker than before, and a grimace curled his lips, clearly apprehensive about connecting it to his face. however, as he felt the trails of blood still dripping from his throat and down his torso, a deep breath and quiet pep talk, the device was brought to his face so the nanites could connect to his flesh. 

the pain was immediate. scalding and agonising. a harrowing cry echoed throughout the bathroom as taejoon threw his head back, resulting in the rest of his weak body following suit. he could barely register the pain in his back as he slammed into the door so hard that it broke from its hinges, crashing against the floor with him still on it. the feeling was tormenting. like millions of burning hot needles were welding into every one of his sensory nerves. writhing uselessly on the floor, crypto’s back arched as another scream tore through his throat, hands clenched into shaking fists as the edges of the technology welded seamlessly to the skin of his lower face and neck. his entire body was quivering from the over exertion, adrenaline wearing off after an agonising hour of rolling around helplessly in unbearable pain. the exhaustion weighed heavily on his limbs, the discomfort of a door digging into his bare back doing nothing to deter the hacker from slipping into a dreamless sleep once the pain had passed onto nothing but a dull, uncomfortable aching.


End file.
